I belong to a Facebook group that is based on a shared experience. We all attended the same high school. It's good for me in some ways. The pain from my elementary and high school time is still there. Most of the time, my participation is a reminder of what it really was...some fun, some difficult times. The group has brought much needed balance to my memories. But, there are still indicators of the struggle of living with Maxine. I was an awkward youngster. School was not a place of peace. Home was worse. I saw a picture today of myself with other students from my high school. Oddly enough, I look almost old. As always, I can see the difficulty that I always see in those pictures. I don't know what to do with my face. There was so much going on at that time. Dealing with Maxine. The fighting. The dirty home. The conviction that I was bad and somehow responsible. Trying to fit in when I felt so different.
It's really ironic that this opportunity to look at that time came up when I was writing and really exploring my history. I look at my pictures and I see my struggle clearly spelled out. Younger Judy was in pain. Since that time I have learned much more about mental illness and how it impacts people. I don't look at myself as 'ugly' anymore. I can see the emotion underneath the picture. I see the impact that growing up with an angry mentally ill woman had on me. I see what was happening in my life as less about the awkwardness of adolescence and more about living in an out of control home. Would I have been less awkward without Maxine in my life? Maybe not. But I know that I wouldn't have been in so much pain.
Ironically, I also feel less different at this time of my life. I've seen the impact on other families. My professional and personal experiences have given me perspective. I've seen others react to the impact. And I know I reacted as a human being faced with tough life circumstances. I've forgiven myself. Young Judy struggled. Today, that's OK with me. I have empathy for myself. And I have genuine love for the youngster who grew into the person that I am becoming. In the same way that I love the other human beings who have struggled in the way that I did. I really have made progress. What about you?
Thanks for the view this morning Suzy. You gave me a much bigger gift than you realize.
It's really ironic that this opportunity to look at that time came up when I was writing and really exploring my history. I look at my pictures and I see my struggle clearly spelled out. Younger Judy was in pain. Since that time I have learned much more about mental illness and how it impacts people. I don't look at myself as 'ugly' anymore. I can see the emotion underneath the picture. I see the impact that growing up with an angry mentally ill woman had on me. I see what was happening in my life as less about the awkwardness of adolescence and more about living in an out of control home. Would I have been less awkward without Maxine in my life? Maybe not. But I know that I wouldn't have been in so much pain.
Ironically, I also feel less different at this time of my life. I've seen the impact on other families. My professional and personal experiences have given me perspective. I've seen others react to the impact. And I know I reacted as a human being faced with tough life circumstances. I've forgiven myself. Young Judy struggled. Today, that's OK with me. I have empathy for myself. And I have genuine love for the youngster who grew into the person that I am becoming. In the same way that I love the other human beings who have struggled in the way that I did. I really have made progress. What about you?
Thanks for the view this morning Suzy. You gave me a much bigger gift than you realize.
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