As a young woman living in Texas, I spoke with a family member. My moves to different places with my husband had made my contact with family infrequent and much valued. So, this family member and I spoke about a situation that she wanted to discuss particularly with me. She claimed that my Mom had sexually abused her. She said that my Mom had done this on an occasion in which she'd been babysitting me and my sister. In fact, she informed me...a variety of other people in our family had sexually abused her...including her Dad and an Uncle. At the time of this call, I was dealing with issues in my marriage. And of course, I was still struggling with the after-effects of my Mom's mental illness. C. said that she'd realized that this abuse happened while in therapy. She claimed that because of the trauma, she'd blocked the memory and working with her therapist had brought the memories out. She talked about my Mom being part of some kind of satanic cult and that her abuse was part of the ritual of that worship.
While I had sympathy for the fact that my family member had reason to go to therapy, I was a little stunned by the accusation. And to be honest, I wasn't sure about why she would tell me. I was the child of this woman. And I had my own issues with my Mom to deal with...none of which were recovered memories. They were well-documented and seen by a variety of family members right out in the open...in spite of our tendency to minimize and deny. So, I remember wondering...how much of this is real? I know that her relationship with her Dad was kind of tough. He could be a hard man and had difficult relationships with some people. But sexual abuse? And the Uncle she cited as being another abuser? I had a hard time picturing it. But given my desire to honor the fact that my family member shared the story, I listened and tried to remain open to what she was telling me.
Recovered memories are extremely controversial. Many people believe that people in pain can have an over-enthusiastic and unethical therapist plant ideas in their minds...and in the process destroy families. However, many people do actually block memories. Sexual abuse does happen. We only have to look at the news to know that is the case. And as a case manager and chemical dependency counselor, I had heard MANY stories detailing such abuse. So, what was the reality in my family? The honest answer has to be....I don't know. But I honestly doubt the story.
My Mom was very sick. And frequently her delusions had to do with sex. But a satanic cult? And a ritual of abuse? I have a hard time with those descriptions of my Mom's behavior. I remembered the babysitting occasion that she spoke to me about. I have a hard time believing that my Mom had enough alone time with this family member in order to perpetrate that kind of abuse. And, of course, where was my Dad when this was going on? And this family member had a brother and sister. Neither one of which has said that there was any sexual abuse in the family. Finally, my sister and I have had our share of abuse. But none of it was the kind of sexual abuse that this family member described. On the other hand, I can't definitively refute it. Therein lies my dilemma.
This family member has cut off relationships with most of the family since that time. I have never spoken to her again, even though I was as supportive as I could be at that time. I didn't contradict her story. I simply told her that I don't know. I was a youngster and saw no evidence of this. I did remember that this particular family member was a favorite of my Mom's. And like with most of my Mom's relationships, this was tinged with her delusions about people. That was part of her illness. My Mom frequently held beliefs about people that were not based in fact. For example, she told me that I was her child and my sister was my Dad's child. Which meant that my sister excused the fact that Dad was "queer". Of course, given that we were children, that was absolutely ridiculous. My Mom WAS delusional. She was frightening. And I am sure that my family member was impacted by that.
So, what do I believe about recovered memories? I am mixed. I do think that people can be influenced to create situations that really don't exist. I also believe that people block memories and recover them as adults. What is the ultimate truth about the story of my family member? I don't know. What I do know is that she had to be in considerable psychological pain for these 'memories' to have surfaced in therapy. And that is the most important fact to me. When we are in pain, it should have meaning in our families. And working through these issues is important to healing. The saddest part of this story is that my family member has a Mom who truly loved her. And their relationship has been irreparably harmed by these accusations. This Mom is in her late 80's. And she will eventually die. Sooner rather than later. This may NEVER get worked out. That is the fact that I will grieve about.
What do you think about recovered memories? Has this kind of story impacted your family?? I would love to hear from you.
While I had sympathy for the fact that my family member had reason to go to therapy, I was a little stunned by the accusation. And to be honest, I wasn't sure about why she would tell me. I was the child of this woman. And I had my own issues with my Mom to deal with...none of which were recovered memories. They were well-documented and seen by a variety of family members right out in the open...in spite of our tendency to minimize and deny. So, I remember wondering...how much of this is real? I know that her relationship with her Dad was kind of tough. He could be a hard man and had difficult relationships with some people. But sexual abuse? And the Uncle she cited as being another abuser? I had a hard time picturing it. But given my desire to honor the fact that my family member shared the story, I listened and tried to remain open to what she was telling me.
Recovered memories are extremely controversial. Many people believe that people in pain can have an over-enthusiastic and unethical therapist plant ideas in their minds...and in the process destroy families. However, many people do actually block memories. Sexual abuse does happen. We only have to look at the news to know that is the case. And as a case manager and chemical dependency counselor, I had heard MANY stories detailing such abuse. So, what was the reality in my family? The honest answer has to be....I don't know. But I honestly doubt the story.
My Mom was very sick. And frequently her delusions had to do with sex. But a satanic cult? And a ritual of abuse? I have a hard time with those descriptions of my Mom's behavior. I remembered the babysitting occasion that she spoke to me about. I have a hard time believing that my Mom had enough alone time with this family member in order to perpetrate that kind of abuse. And, of course, where was my Dad when this was going on? And this family member had a brother and sister. Neither one of which has said that there was any sexual abuse in the family. Finally, my sister and I have had our share of abuse. But none of it was the kind of sexual abuse that this family member described. On the other hand, I can't definitively refute it. Therein lies my dilemma.
This family member has cut off relationships with most of the family since that time. I have never spoken to her again, even though I was as supportive as I could be at that time. I didn't contradict her story. I simply told her that I don't know. I was a youngster and saw no evidence of this. I did remember that this particular family member was a favorite of my Mom's. And like with most of my Mom's relationships, this was tinged with her delusions about people. That was part of her illness. My Mom frequently held beliefs about people that were not based in fact. For example, she told me that I was her child and my sister was my Dad's child. Which meant that my sister excused the fact that Dad was "queer". Of course, given that we were children, that was absolutely ridiculous. My Mom WAS delusional. She was frightening. And I am sure that my family member was impacted by that.
So, what do I believe about recovered memories? I am mixed. I do think that people can be influenced to create situations that really don't exist. I also believe that people block memories and recover them as adults. What is the ultimate truth about the story of my family member? I don't know. What I do know is that she had to be in considerable psychological pain for these 'memories' to have surfaced in therapy. And that is the most important fact to me. When we are in pain, it should have meaning in our families. And working through these issues is important to healing. The saddest part of this story is that my family member has a Mom who truly loved her. And their relationship has been irreparably harmed by these accusations. This Mom is in her late 80's. And she will eventually die. Sooner rather than later. This may NEVER get worked out. That is the fact that I will grieve about.
What do you think about recovered memories? Has this kind of story impacted your family?? I would love to hear from you.
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