Solitude vs. Being Lonely....

Have you ever felt like you are totally alone?  Even if it’s a lie, that’s how depression is for me.  I feel disconnected from people.  I feel alone even when I’m surrounded by people.  I’m so into my misery that I don’t feel a ‘part of’ other people.  I feel somehow different, and that’s truly a lonely feeling. As I grew up with Maxine, that is pretty much how I defined my life.  So, the support that I allowed in was pretty narrow.  The result is that as an adult, I’m pretty much a social being.  I enjoy being around people.  I love hearing their stories.  I want to share myself with them.  Except at those times when I am depressed.  When I am in the middle of a tough time, I tend to hide out.  I don’t particularly want to be seen.  And I will avoid those occasions when I am required to be with others. As a result, I spend a lot of time by myself.  Alone and lonely.  Because I know this about myself, I tend to avoid times of solitude when I am feeling good.  It reminds me of depressed times if I am alone too much.  As a matter of fact, too much alone time can be a trigger for depression for me.

Imagine my surprise at finding out those times of solitude can be healing.  In recent months, I have gone from staying with my daughter to living on my own.  In my own private space.  No family.  No friends.  Just myself.  It’s a small space with just enough room for one person.  I live my life simply.  Many of my possessions are back in Orlando.  Most likely, they are lost forever.  The way I am now living reminds me of a gift that a friend gave me when my daughter was young.  She gave me a needlepoint in a frame that said: “The secret of contentment is knowing how to enjoy what you have.”  In this new space, I am living with the basics.  I’m spending time on my own.  When the door shuts on my space, I’m by myself.  I’m even disconnected from the internet because I haven’t yet called the cable company to hook it up.  The time spent on my own could be very lonely.  It hasn’t been.  Somewhere in the middle of my period of adjustment, I realized how peaceful I felt. Given the fact that depression and alone time are so intertwined in my mind, this is ironic.  And I am content with what I’ve got.  

I’ve learned that being alone is an opportunity to nurture myself.  I watch movies.  I read.  I relax.  I get adequate sleep.  Sometimes I simply think about the events of the day.  I decompress from the stress of working.  The nice part is that I don’t feel obligated to please another human being when I’m in this private space.  If I do chores, it is so I can be comfortable.  Now, of course, nobody should be totally alone.  The thing that makes this easy for me to cope with is that there are people who are there for me at other times.  I have a small, but powerful, support system.  I spend time with my daughter and her roommate.  I spend time with friends from work.  When I moved into my space, my friends L. and M. seemed happier about it than I was.  They are there to help decorate and have generously contributed to my comfort in this new space.  We spend time talking and interacting.  I am truly not ‘alone’.  I love the fact that I can spend time with friends and family.  Now, I also love the fact that I can spend time with Judy.  

There is a different feeling when you are alone and peaceful than when you are lonely because of depression.  Solitude isn’t a dirty word.  When you choose to nurture yourself, you are behaving in a healthy way.  Being able to do so contributes to maintaining your mental health.  It isn’t the same thing as isolation.  This was an important thing for me to learn.  Alone time while nurturing yourself is a powerful recovery tool.  Different people do this in different ways.  Some spend time in nature.  I have a friend that spends time working in her garden.  Others spend time reading or writing.  Some people exercise.  I find that all of that works.  And solitude adds to my pleasure in the activity.  What about you?  Do you spend time by yourself in nurturing activities?  What do you do?  How does it help your state of mind?  Does it help your mood?  I would love to hear from you!