Amputation or working through relationship issues...

I have always been a rather open and gregarious person.  I was someone who had no problem meeting new people.  I made friends easily and was able to have friendships with a variety of people.  This was true even when we were different and seemed to have little in common.  I had no fear of dealing with difficult people and situations.  In recent years, with the worsening of my depression, I have become a whole lot more fearful.  I tend to detach from people instead of hashing things out.  If the relationship is problematic, I cut it off instead of talking it out.  An ex-partner called this “amputating” instead of detaching. This is a pattern that I think has a lot to do with the fear that is connected to my anxiety/depression.  It comes from a sense of hopelessness regarding relationships and my worth.  In addition, it makes me fearful of creating new relationships because I am relatively certain that most of them will turn out to have problems.  And of course, then I will have to amputate that person from my life.   Amputating people from your life is a messy process.  And for me, it leads to lots of guilt feelings.  People don’t usually just disappear.  They are added to the ‘regrets’ that I obsessively think about on those nights that I find it difficult to fall asleep.  

Recently, I had a situation at work that was problematic.  I had a problem communicating with someone who is a little more direct and blunt in the way they communicate.  Both of us had problems navigating our new work relationship.  That led to hurt feelings and the desire to ignore each other.  And that started to make my work life uncomfortable.  I tried not to gossip about this.  But I did talk to a supervisor about it.  And without really taking sides, she set up a time for all three of us to discuss the situation.  I listened.  Then she listened.  We made requests and tried to reach a middle ground.  Of course, nothing is perfect.  But I feel a whole lot better about this work relationship.  And I think she does too.  

This meeting turned out to be really helpful.  I realized again that being able to communicate takes effort from two people.  And sometimes that isn’t easy.  It takes effort and energy that being depressed doesn’t always allow you.  It also takes the willingness to deal with the fear and take a risk in terms of hearing someone out.  This ability is lost when you are so depressed that you are hopeless.  So, I saw again how depression makes it difficult to maintain relationships.  Fortunately, I am taking medications at this time because my problem obtaining my medications has been dealt with.  And I am taking the medication. So, I wasn’t as overwhelmed by the discussion as I would have been a few weeks ago.  I could participate in a less defensive way.  And we mutually worked out our issue.  I didn’t have to amputate. 

How does this relate to our discussion about mental illness?  It shows me that when someone is depressed, they are sometimes incapable of dealing with the hard work of maintaining relationships.  In a nutshell, this seems to be a good explanation of why people dealing with mental illness find it difficult to stay connected with friends and family.  What do you think?  Do you recognize this pattern in your life?  Have your periods of depression made it difficult for you to maintain relationships?  Or to even reach out and create new ones?  If so, I invite you to talk about that.  I think it is an important topic as you begin to use the tools that can lead to recovery.