Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The role of friendship in recovery...


I have talked about the role that friendship plays in ‘surviving and thriving’ through mental illness.  Feeling like you are all alone is a miserable feeling.  And even though I know this, I still struggle with really sharing with people.  It is far easier for me to write in this blog when I am struggling because I am talking by journaling.  Which means that I type it out and share my feelings with my computer first.  Then I have the choice about whether to publish what I am writing.  I am in control.  If I am going through something at the time and it is too raw, I don’t have to share.  But it relieves a lot when I write it out.  So, whether I really plan on publishing, I write it out.  That is always my first choice.  It is far less threatening than actually talking to someone.  I have been going through challenges in obtaining medication connected to my status of being uninsured.  I know how to handle these situations, and yet I still have problems dealing with this.  One of my medications is a thyroid medication.  This is a dangerous medication for me to be out of.  My thyroid makes my mood issues more intense.  I am physically exhausted and I have difficulty focusing.  And there is a mental deterioration that makes any kind of activity that requires mental effort difficult.  In a previous time, when I was going through this, I asked my child whether she thought I had early onset Alzheimer’s because it felt like I was losing abilities.


So, moving to a new state threw me into a situation in which I wasn’t able to get my medication when I ran out.  I had difficulty getting an appointment at the clinic I had planned on going to.  So, I waited too long to take care of this because I thought that the clinic was going to come through.  When I ran out of the meds, I started having those symptoms really quickly. The same thought patterns came back and I noticed the deterioration.  I began to panic and I had anxiety.  I was stuck back in that same old situation.  Including asking my daughter whether she thought I had Alzheimer’s disease.  I want to stress that I know this pattern really well.  But I still have trouble dealing with it.  It also feels like it takes forever once I start taking the medication for it to kick in and for me to feel relief.


So, today I spoke to a friend from Orlando who has experienced the same problems with thyroid disease.  Although I wasn’t really aware of her issues with this, I took a risk and shared my problem with her.  It was a tremendously affirming conversation. She could relate to my experience of the symptoms of not having the thyroid medication.  She could verify that even one day without meds could lead to serious issues.  I felt the guilt and shame lifting.  It was an amazing feeling.  Here is how I have spent the last week talking to myself: “How could this happen?  I know better!  Why did I allow this?  How could I be so stupid?  What a moron I am.”  And the very act of talking it out with someone who has been there lifted me up.  It made such a difference for me.  You see, when I talk about using the tools, I do so because I have experience with using them. And I know these tools work.  I know it because I have seen them work in my clients.  And in my life.  I hope that you know that I am sharing these tools with you because I want to see them work in your life.  Know that I write to you with all the love I have in my heart. And of course, thank you my friend for being there for me today.  I needed the conversation we had more than I can explain.  I am so grateful

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