I have
talked about the role that friendship plays in ‘surviving and thriving’ through
mental illness. Feeling like you are all
alone is a miserable feeling. And even
though I know this, I still struggle with really sharing with people. It is far easier for me to write in this blog
when I am struggling because I am talking by journaling. Which means that I type it out and share my
feelings with my computer first. Then I
have the choice about whether to publish what I am writing. I am in control. If I am going through something at the time
and it is too raw, I don’t have to share.
But it relieves a lot when I write it out. So, whether I really plan on publishing, I
write it out. That is always my first
choice. It is far less threatening than
actually talking to someone. I have been
going through challenges in obtaining medication connected to my status of
being uninsured. I know how to handle
these situations, and yet I still have problems dealing with this. One of my medications is a thyroid
medication. This is a dangerous
medication for me to be out of. My
thyroid makes my mood issues more intense.
I am physically exhausted and I have difficulty focusing. And there is a mental deterioration that
makes any kind of activity that requires mental effort difficult. In a previous time, when I was going through
this, I asked my child whether she thought I had early onset Alzheimer’s
because it felt like I was losing abilities.
So, moving
to a new state threw me into a situation in which I wasn’t able to get my
medication when I ran out. I had
difficulty getting an appointment at the clinic I had planned on going to. So, I waited too long to take care of this
because I thought that the clinic was going to come through. When I ran out of the meds, I started having
those symptoms really quickly. The same thought patterns came back and I noticed the deterioration. I began to panic and I had anxiety. I was stuck back in that same old
situation. Including asking my daughter
whether she thought I had Alzheimer’s disease.
I want to stress that I know this pattern really well. But I still have trouble dealing with
it. It also feels like it takes
forever once I start taking the medication for it to kick in and for me to feel
relief.
So, today I spoke to a
friend from Orlando who has experienced
the same problems with thyroid disease. Although I wasn’t really aware of her issues
with this, I took a risk and shared my problem with her. It was a tremendously affirming conversation.
She could relate to my experience of the symptoms of not having the thyroid
medication. She could verify that even
one day without meds could lead to serious issues. I felt the guilt and shame lifting. It was an amazing feeling. Here is how I have spent the last week talking
to myself: “How could this happen? I
know better! Why did I allow this? How could I be so stupid? What a moron I am.” And the very act of talking it out with
someone who has been there lifted me up.
It made such a difference for me.
You see, when I talk about using the tools, I do so because I have
experience with using them. And I know these tools work. I know it because I have seen them work in my
clients. And in my life. I hope that you know that I am sharing these
tools with you because I want to see them work in your life. Know that I write to you with all the love I
have in my heart. And of course, thank you my friend for being there for me
today. I needed the conversation we had
more than I can explain. I am so
grateful
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