Don't Let Other People Eat Your Lunch...

In talking to my good friend Kathryn, I was reminded about a tendency that we all share.  And that is allowing other people to control our mood.  I am especially prone to that when I am depressed.  I have gotten considerable feedback about that in therapy.  To the point that I now recognize it. And since people have frequently told me to stop allowing other people to ‘eat your lunch’, I frequently hear those words in my mind.  I still do it, but I recognize that I am doing it.  I am now able to change it as I am doing it.  Or at least I can eventually interrupt the cycle.  So, when I hear someone else doing it, I recognize it quickly.  And I give them the benefit of what I have been taught.  

Kathryn is a good person.  Who is in the middle of a struggle that I recognize.  She has a diagnosis.  She is struggling with mental illness.  She is also struggling with the same sense of shame that many of us do.  When people in her circle of family and friends are judgmental or disapproving, she takes that on.  And it adds to her depression.  We have established a mutual support society.  Kathryn and I talk regularly. That is something that benefits both of us.  Even though we are widely separated age wise, it is a wonderful thing.  When I see her doing something I do, I benefit from seeing it and being able to share how I have been taught to deal with it.  And talking to her decreases my sense of shame because I see all the good that she has to offer.  That is the theory behind support groups.  And I believe it actually works.

There is a difference between shame/criticism and giving honest feedback.  When we are able to take feedback without defaulting to that shame message, we are in a better place.  We all make mistakes.  Truly.  Growth comes in being able to see that and move past it.  I KNOW that I am a mixture of the good and the bad. Most of us are. I wonder about those who have taken lives. The Hitlers of this world probably have less good than bad.  But there are few people that I have known that have murdered.  So, we all have to recognize the weaknesses that contribute to our ‘bad’ qualities, and work on changing them. But we all have to deal with the judgment of other people.  And we have to stop internalizing it. Healing and making changes is dependent on recognizing that we do things that we are not proud of, but we can move past those problems.

Hard as I try, I am not perfect. Neither is Kathryn. But we are human beings working on becoming who we were meant to be. And that is just fine.  Shame is not necessary today.  We can move past it.  Both of us.  So, my lovely friend…remember that you are loveable and loved.  That is all you have to know.  Call me if you need a reminder.