"I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can..."

In February of 1980, Barbara Gordon published “I’m Dancing as Fast as I Can”.  In this moving book, she tells the story of a woman battling pill addiction.  In 1982, one of my favorite actresses (Jill Clayburgh) starred in a movie based on the book.   I haven’t thought about that in years.  But today as I was solving another problem connected to my economic struggles, the title sprang into my mind.  Sometimes, I really do feel this way.  I’m dancing…and I’m still not sure that I can solve the problems… even though I am trying to do so.  I think at this point in the history of our country, many people can relate on this issue.  But I have the added issue of depression.  Which I believe is a biochemical problem.   Now of course, everybody is prone to depression during tough economic times.  There is much situational depression out there.  People are struggling.  That is simply what happens during tough times.  But I think that someone with my biochemical predisposition is even more likely to be impacted by uncertainty.  At the bottom of it, I think that depression is a disease that cripples your ability to cope.  Is that a fact?  I really don’t know.  I am not a scientist or a medical professional.  I am just a woman who has spent most of her life struggling.  And I believe that I have this family disease.  I can’t prove one way or the other that I am chronically depressed.  Except for the fact that I have this chronic thread of hopelessness running through my life.  And even when things are good, I am kind of flat and waiting for the bad to waltz in.  I get excited, but I look for the bad part.  Because in my mind, the bad part is the way it REALLY is.  I am never really surprised when things fall apart for me.  I usually expect it.  Clearly, I am a “glass is half empty” kind of gal.  

Sometimes the feeling of hopelessness has been totally overwhelming.  And even when things have supposedly been good for me…for example when I was a young Mom living with my husband and child…I was still depressed.  There is always a ‘reason’ for it.  At that time, it was because we were moving around the country because my husband worked in retail.  And I didn’t cope well with the constant change.  But if you look at that realistically, I am a pretty flexible kind of person.  I am able to problem solve, and create solutions.  So, the fact that my reaction was kind of extreme, in my opinion, is an indicator of that depression.  And I clearly remember the feeling of being depressed during that time.  I was anxious.  I was sad.  In short, I was miserable.  All of that made the enjoyment of what I did have difficult.

To be continued...