During my daughter's early childhood, I continued to worry. And I did have some periods of time when I was depressed enough to have legitimate concern. Then, during my divorce (at approximately 30 years old) and the years in which J. grew up, my greatest fear continued to be whether I would be mentally ill. As I have already made clear, I had my own experiences with mental illness. I have chronic depression that is serious enough that I take medication. And I am very anxious, which is usually helped through my medication. But, I am not my Mom.I am not perfect.I am flawed. And I make lots of mistakes.I function. I cope. I don’t call people horrible names. (Usually) I have never stopped taking baths for a significant period of time.I enjoy life, through whatever life throws at me. (Although there have been a few instances of faltering here and there.) To my great relief, I really haven’t become my Mother. And I think that I am aware enough that I will be able to recognize that I am at serious risk, if I ever am. When I have problems, I seek out help. If not, my family and friends certainly will be able to help me through. My daughter checks on me enough to know how I am doing.
My experiences in working with the mentally ill have helped me to cope. I watched how mental illness worked in other people. And for some reason, it helped me understand my Mom. And it clarified for me how mental illness works in families. Especially in my own. I am not the angry person that I was as a younger woman. I feel a sense of peace about the mental illness that I have been a witness to. And my own milder form of the illness. As my sweet child grew, I did worry about the impact on her. My daughter is a sweet, quirky, and a talented artistic person. In some ways, she reminds me of my Mom. Maxine was an artist who actually had some training from the Chicago Art Institute. During my childhood, I saw her art work. It was absolutely beautiful. There was an elegance to it that really told me a lot about who
she was. Her work is lost now. Pretty much because of her mental illness and the resulting instability in her life. But my daughter remembers it. How, I haven’t got a clue. I don’t remember ever having the opportunity to show anything to her. My daughter loves to remind me about my Mom’s talent. My
daughter also sees me as creative, because of my joy in writing, and the fact that I used to write and tell her original stories when she was a child.
J. shares that artistic bent. She sings like an angel. As a child, she belonged to two very impressive children’s choirs. With one choir, she performed on a TV Christmas show with Riders in The Sky, a Nashville group. With another, she performed with the Nashville Symphony. (If you don’t know that those experiences were a highlight of my life, you don’t know me.) She writes extraordinary poetry. To her Mom’s shock, she won an award for one of her poems while in middle school. J. has always been an insecure kind of child. Her ability to perform music in public was impacted as she got older. When
she was little, she could get up on stage and at least appear to comfortably belt out a song like Barbra Streisand. As a teenager, she started to lose that ability and was most comfortable in choirs. It seemed like all of the sudden, stage fright kicked in. Now, she admits that anxiety had a big influence. She makes jewelry and writes now. It is her goal to become a writer for comic books, with a focus on making them less sexist. I truly love that young woman! When young, she seemed to have a difficult time feeling comfortable socially. And she had other issues. As a child, I didn’t think she understood that mental illness is sometimes passed down. I really did work hard to educate her. But I was afraid she wasn’t hearing me. As she grew, her vulnerability really scared me. However, to my great joy, when she felt a need to deal with an anxiety disorder as an adult, she did exactly what needed to be done. She got herself to a doctor, and is taking care of it. WHAT A RELIEF! There really is hope. Much can be done with medical intervention. Now, I am very aware of the difference between what my daughter and I are dealing with, and the more severe cases of mental illness in my clients and my family. But to me, the fact that we can handle our mental illness is a miracle. My life is no longer controlled by mental illness. And I don’t believe that J’s will be either.
I now know that mental illness is passed down through families. I have my own personal experience to confirm it. What do you think? Has this been true for you? How does your family experience with mental illness impact your feelings about yourself? Are you concerned that you are doomed to mental illness? If you are, how do you care for yourself to make sure that you are able to deal with with the possibility?
To be continued......
My experiences in working with the mentally ill have helped me to cope. I watched how mental illness worked in other people. And for some reason, it helped me understand my Mom. And it clarified for me how mental illness works in families. Especially in my own. I am not the angry person that I was as a younger woman. I feel a sense of peace about the mental illness that I have been a witness to. And my own milder form of the illness. As my sweet child grew, I did worry about the impact on her. My daughter is a sweet, quirky, and a talented artistic person. In some ways, she reminds me of my Mom. Maxine was an artist who actually had some training from the Chicago Art Institute. During my childhood, I saw her art work. It was absolutely beautiful. There was an elegance to it that really told me a lot about who
she was. Her work is lost now. Pretty much because of her mental illness and the resulting instability in her life. But my daughter remembers it. How, I haven’t got a clue. I don’t remember ever having the opportunity to show anything to her. My daughter loves to remind me about my Mom’s talent. My
daughter also sees me as creative, because of my joy in writing, and the fact that I used to write and tell her original stories when she was a child.
J. shares that artistic bent. She sings like an angel. As a child, she belonged to two very impressive children’s choirs. With one choir, she performed on a TV Christmas show with Riders in The Sky, a Nashville group. With another, she performed with the Nashville Symphony. (If you don’t know that those experiences were a highlight of my life, you don’t know me.) She writes extraordinary poetry. To her Mom’s shock, she won an award for one of her poems while in middle school. J. has always been an insecure kind of child. Her ability to perform music in public was impacted as she got older. When
she was little, she could get up on stage and at least appear to comfortably belt out a song like Barbra Streisand. As a teenager, she started to lose that ability and was most comfortable in choirs. It seemed like all of the sudden, stage fright kicked in. Now, she admits that anxiety had a big influence. She makes jewelry and writes now. It is her goal to become a writer for comic books, with a focus on making them less sexist. I truly love that young woman! When young, she seemed to have a difficult time feeling comfortable socially. And she had other issues. As a child, I didn’t think she understood that mental illness is sometimes passed down. I really did work hard to educate her. But I was afraid she wasn’t hearing me. As she grew, her vulnerability really scared me. However, to my great joy, when she felt a need to deal with an anxiety disorder as an adult, she did exactly what needed to be done. She got herself to a doctor, and is taking care of it. WHAT A RELIEF! There really is hope. Much can be done with medical intervention. Now, I am very aware of the difference between what my daughter and I are dealing with, and the more severe cases of mental illness in my clients and my family. But to me, the fact that we can handle our mental illness is a miracle. My life is no longer controlled by mental illness. And I don’t believe that J’s will be either.
I now know that mental illness is passed down through families. I have my own personal experience to confirm it. What do you think? Has this been true for you? How does your family experience with mental illness impact your feelings about yourself? Are you concerned that you are doomed to mental illness? If you are, how do you care for yourself to make sure that you are able to deal with with the possibility?
To be continued......
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