I
am a little late. Discussing love is usually done around the time of
Valentine’s Day. But in spite of my lateness, it is an important topic.
How difficult is it to be a partner to a mentally ill person? In my
life, I had an excellent resource for finding out. I just had to ask my
Dad. He lived with mental illness for at least 17 years out of the 25
years that his marriage lasted before his death. (I believe it was
longer. My Mom’s illness didn’t just start when I was 8 years old. She
was developing issues prior to that time.) In his case, living with a
mentally ill partner was hard. He lived with my Mom’s constant anger
and put-downs. He was told over and over that he was “queer”. He
didn’t have a normal marriage in any sense of the word.
So, when I saw this article: http://bit.ly/11G2Htn, I was fascinated. What would they say about living with a mentally ill loved one almost fifty years later? Well, the reality hasn’t changed. It is still hard. And it leads to many divorces. The article cites the following statistic. “Marriages in which one spouse is depressed are nine times more likely to end up in divorce, according to Laura Epstein Rosen and Xavier Francisco Amador, authors of When Someone You Love is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself.” The statistics for those battling bipolar disorder are even more frightening. For those with bipolar disorder, it is common to divorce. Up to 90% of those marriages fail. Since one in four of us are battling a mental illness at any given time, those are particularly overwhelming statistics. But for me, the sign of hope is this little nugget: Odds seem to improve if you are dealing with the mental illness and not trying to ignore it. But the roadblocks are still there. It is exhausting to deal with a depressed person. It is overwhelming to cope with bipolar disorder on a daily basis. Schizophrenia is not a fun addition to a partnership. And becoming a caretaker doesn’t lead to a healthy relationship. Many leave simply because of the overwhelming nature of the illness. And many mentally ill don’t recognize the reality of how their illness impacts their loved ones.
What does lead to successful relationships in spite of mental illness? The openness and honesty that I have been discussing throughout this blog. Being able to share symptoms and discuss solutions. Confronting the illness head-on as partners. Acting like a married couple. And healthy boundary setting. Recognizing that the partner is not the caretaker is an important step. So, if you are mentally ill... what does this discussion bring up for you? How do you feel discussing marriage and partnership? How has your illness influenced your relationships in life? As a partner, what does this discussion suggest to you? Do you believe that you can make your relationship last? How do you make sure that you are one of the success stories?
This discussion makes me wonder what kinds of intervention would be suggested for my parents today. At the time that we were dealing with it, there was very little understanding of these issues. In our case, most people we were in contact with chose to ignore the reality of my Mom’s mental illness. Little in the way of actual help was out there. Even from professionals. I don’t think that an MSW level Social Worker would try to do conventional marital therapy with an untreated chronically and severely mentally ill woman today. There is certainly more awareness. Much more remains to be done. And much more remains to be learned about mental illness. I have more hope that we will address these issues today then I have in years past. I look forward to the progress that will be made.
Finally, as I watch this exploration of mental illness, I say a little prayer of thanks. And remember the strength that my Dad showed as he dealt with the totally overwhelming nature of living with mental illness.
So, when I saw this article: http://bit.ly/11G2Htn, I was fascinated. What would they say about living with a mentally ill loved one almost fifty years later? Well, the reality hasn’t changed. It is still hard. And it leads to many divorces. The article cites the following statistic. “Marriages in which one spouse is depressed are nine times more likely to end up in divorce, according to Laura Epstein Rosen and Xavier Francisco Amador, authors of When Someone You Love is Depressed: How to Help Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself.” The statistics for those battling bipolar disorder are even more frightening. For those with bipolar disorder, it is common to divorce. Up to 90% of those marriages fail. Since one in four of us are battling a mental illness at any given time, those are particularly overwhelming statistics. But for me, the sign of hope is this little nugget: Odds seem to improve if you are dealing with the mental illness and not trying to ignore it. But the roadblocks are still there. It is exhausting to deal with a depressed person. It is overwhelming to cope with bipolar disorder on a daily basis. Schizophrenia is not a fun addition to a partnership. And becoming a caretaker doesn’t lead to a healthy relationship. Many leave simply because of the overwhelming nature of the illness. And many mentally ill don’t recognize the reality of how their illness impacts their loved ones.
What does lead to successful relationships in spite of mental illness? The openness and honesty that I have been discussing throughout this blog. Being able to share symptoms and discuss solutions. Confronting the illness head-on as partners. Acting like a married couple. And healthy boundary setting. Recognizing that the partner is not the caretaker is an important step. So, if you are mentally ill... what does this discussion bring up for you? How do you feel discussing marriage and partnership? How has your illness influenced your relationships in life? As a partner, what does this discussion suggest to you? Do you believe that you can make your relationship last? How do you make sure that you are one of the success stories?
This discussion makes me wonder what kinds of intervention would be suggested for my parents today. At the time that we were dealing with it, there was very little understanding of these issues. In our case, most people we were in contact with chose to ignore the reality of my Mom’s mental illness. Little in the way of actual help was out there. Even from professionals. I don’t think that an MSW level Social Worker would try to do conventional marital therapy with an untreated chronically and severely mentally ill woman today. There is certainly more awareness. Much more remains to be done. And much more remains to be learned about mental illness. I have more hope that we will address these issues today then I have in years past. I look forward to the progress that will be made.
Finally, as I watch this exploration of mental illness, I say a little prayer of thanks. And remember the strength that my Dad showed as he dealt with the totally overwhelming nature of living with mental illness.
2 comments:
That's interesting. I do struggle with a mental illness, but I don't struggle with much depression. Reading this makes me feel a little sad but I like that you talked about communication and being open. I've had people I've known be married for over 20 years with both having bi-polar but their communication was excellent and supportive. Boundaries are important in all relationships and I thought that was great to bring up. Nice of you to share you story. I do not have any kids.
It is sad, but hopeful. I think we can learn the skills for maintaining relationships. And, yes, boundaries are very important. Something I am learning...even at my age! Thank you for writing.
Post a Comment